A Dedication to My Inner Child
I still find myself in amazement at the reality of being at my first artist residency. I wish to live in this moment, in this state of bliss, and this dream come true, forever. I have only been here for alittle under a week, and the connection I have gained with myself have been a handful. I want to dedicate this weeks blog to my inner child. The shy, artistic, and innocent girl who was afraid to share herself; mainly from fear of rejection, or the haunting feeling of not being smart or good enough.
As I began my first working day at the residency, at the creek, my safe place; it was while I was admiring and exploring the nature around me that I was brought back to when I was in my grandmothers yard. Exploring, walking with sticks and branches I would gather. I realized that this is all I ever have to be; this curious girl who just wants to spend time in nature and with the creator. I remember writing poetry as a child but being afraid to share it. I didnt even share it with my mother, my grandmother, friends, etc. It was always the most vunerable part of me. I was quite the emotionally sensitive kid, and writing poetry seemed to be my outlet. I would sing, hum while im out in the yard alone, but very much content and in my own curious and perfect world.
Growing up I had this insecurity of not being intelligent, it followed much through my college career. A very dark and daunting insecurity. It reflected alot through my short attention span, I would much rather be in my own world. I never really did well in any of my classes except for art. I remember having a few teachers tell me how well some of my writings were, a few of my school poetry projects would make it to the local newspaper. This insecurity I had was only fuel to the bigger beast of “not being good enough,” which began the long path of the many/lost versions of “De’Ja.”
My first meditation at the residency began with me asking God to guide me, I was soley submitting his lead. Little did I know, he was reuniting me with my long lost and beloved best friend, my inner child. She was waiting for me this entire time. I still remember her smile, her bright and pure aura. She welcomed me back with open arms, no judgements. I was ashamed that I ever denied her, leaving her… She didn’t care about that. She was just happy for me to be here now. Sitting with her, listening and embracing her. I cried so many tears on the day of this reunion. It feels so good to know that now, and everyday after, all that i ever have to be is… her. “myself.” I only have to be guided by her, listen and honor her, protect her. God has a beautiful was of giving you what you need, right when you need it. The pressure of wanting to “fit in”, to be “perfect” or keeping up and being of the world, is no longer a weight i wish to carry. It is a bliss to be back home. In my body. Boldly walking in my purpous.
My wish and constant prayer is for everyone to return back to themselves. I ask for God to also guide me and grant me the gift of creating the space for people to allow their inner child to speak. Ever since I reunited with myself, its like I also can see the child spirit in everyone I come across.
On Saturday, my resident cohort, Hadogachi, and I decided to go to the indoor flee market. Leading with my inner child, a microdose of shrooms, and Gods guidance and words, I decided to introduce myself to the locals. I mentioned to them that I am an artist in residence staying in the town. They already guessed I was an artist because I wore my camera across my chest. The amount of people that were so delighted to share with my thier personal art practice was magical. It was a blessing to see everyone blossom and open up right in front of me. At that moment, I knew for a fact that i was no longer speaking to the stanger at the flee market, but I was speaking to the inner child so overjoyed that someone saw them.
